When it comes to dealing with problems or issues with others, we are likely to follow one or more of these solutions that are myths of communication--solutions that are touted as solutions but can actually cause horrible problems instead.
Myth #1: Time heals all wounds. The truth is time usually deepens wounds. If time really healed all wounds, people would not blame their behavior on their childhood and past events as they often do. In fact, time can deceive us into thinking that problems with others have been resolved, but all it usually takes is to see them again or something to remind us of the past unresolved issues and we will become upset all over again. In essence our unresolved past is lying around waiting to strike us in the present.
Communications
What to do? Don’t rationalize, “Well, they are not saying or bringing it up. So I will just let it go.” Just because they are not bringing it up doesn’t mean they let it go. They may feel awkward or embarrassed or may not know how to bring it up so they have decided to bury it. The key is to proactively bring up issues and resolve them.
Myth #2: Don’t Rock the Boat. The truth is if you don’t rock the boat, the boat will probably sink. Faced with an issue or problem that is bothering us, many people rationalize, “I am not going to say anything. It’s not that big a deal. I don’t want to rock the boat” The problem with this way of thinking is if we don’t say anything, the issue is unlikely to be resolved. Then what was once a small issue may fester and grow into a big problem. What to do? As stated above, proactively bring up issues as they happen.
Myth #3: Be Diplomatic. The truth is if we are too diplomatic, the person may not get the point and nothing may get resolved. Have you ever had someone be upset with you claiming that they told you about something and you did not do anything about it? Upon retrospect you realize that they might have brought it up but the person was so diplomatic, the person beat-around-the-bush and you missed the point. What to do? When we have an issue, yes-bringing things up in an understanding way is important, just make sure the issue and what you want done is clear.
Myth #4: Sandwich what you want to really say between two compliments. The truth is the “sandwich method” is so transparent that people immediately identify the strategy [http://stevengaffney.com/index.html] and feel manipulated. The sandwich method is when you place what you really want to say between two positive compliments. “I appreciate how hard you work, but blah, blah, blah… and thank you for working with me on this.” Such communication tricks can permanently damage relationships.
What to do? Tell people the truth. People are smart and we are usually lousy actors. People see through us anyway, so be honest and clear. If you have issues talk about them, get right to the point. When you have something nice to say, bring it up in separate conversation or at least in a different part of the conversation not connected to a problem or something we really want done.
Myth #5: More communication leads to resolution. The truth is just more communication can lead to wasting time and possibly more misunderstandings. Sometimes people believe and operate as if people talk about more things, that clarity will somehow magically emerge from the sheer volume of information and issues will get handled. But how often have you been in a meeting where people “talked about things” and nothing got resolved.
Consider this. If the solution were simply increased amounts of communication, wouldn’t you expect, for example that e-mail, cell phones, video conferencing to have significantly reduced communication problems? In spite of all of these extra tools now available, it seems there are more misunderstandings, mistakes and conflicts than ever before. And people still complain that they don’t receive the feedback they need to do their jobs properly.
In fact, communication technologies can also help people spread misinformation with blazing speed, sometimes with devastating results. Communication technology is not inherently bad. The way people use it is often ineffective. Increasing the amount of communication through multiple channels is not the answer in and of itself.
What to do? Instead of just increasing the amount of communication, make sure that people know how to effectively use the different ways to communicate. If learned, these methods can make the critical difference in successfully resolving issues as they arise.
Take Action
Pass this tip on to people you care about, your co-workers, your boss, your employees, family and friends. Use it as a basis to talk to the people around your office, in your organization and your personal life. Have an upfront conversation about the “myths of communication” and what everyone is willing to do differently. This way everyone will benefit from the knowledge and wisdom we all have to contribute.
If you need help and/or guidance [http://stevengaffney.com/client_testimonials.html] call us, we can help.
Together we can make the difference!
Steven Gaffney, president of the Steven Gaffney Company, is a leading expert on honest, interpersonal communication, influence and leadership. Thousands of people credit, Steven’s speeches, seminars, TV, and radio appearances as well as his books and products with making immediate and lasting change in both their organizations as well as their personal lives. Serving such a diverse clientele has enabled Steven to create and implement innovative, cross-discipline solutions to achieve maximum effect. His clients include Marriott, Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, BP, Citigroup, American Express, SAIC, Allstate Insurance, Blue Care Network, Texas Instruments, CIA, US Department of the Treasury, NASA, American Cancer Society, The US Navy, The US Marine Corp, among many others.
Copyright, 2007 Steven Gaffney Company, All Rights Reserved. To distribute or replicate this article in any way please contact the Steven Gaffney Company at 703-241-7796 or via email at Christina@StevenGaffney.com
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